Setting Boundaries… Is it ok?

As a Christian, there are moments in our lives where we may be faced with a certain unchanging person or situation. In these moments, sometimes we may feel the need to distance ourselves or create a boundary in order to keep ourselves from going down the same distracting, troubling, and hurtful path over and over again.

But is it ok? Is it right? What does God think about walking away?

In my own personal life, I was faced with a very difficult situation with a close family member who became a very toxic individual in my life. I tried and tried to reason with them with loving concern but I continuously kept getting let down and hurt with broken promises to do better. I prayed for this person and tried to share how hurtful and wrong this unchanging behavior was but there was never any real progress. I ended up hurting myself more the harder I tried. I was damaging my walk with God by constantly being too busy helping someone who was not ready or willing to be helped. This person became a distraction in my life and was taking my focus off of the work God put me here to do. The hard truth we all sometimes have to come to accept is that you can’t always change someone who doesn’t want to change. Only God can do that. Sometimes, after repeatedly trying to fix a situation, the best thing we can do is pray for that person and hand the situation over to God. “For nothing is impossible with Him” (Luke 1:37). We aren’t giving up on this person but rather giving the situation over to God who can change anything.

If you have someone in your life who you have desperately tried to rescue, and each time, you find yourself ending up more hurt and distracted from the Lord’s purpose for you, you must STOP. God does not call us to save someone at the expense of losing our relationship and focus on Him. Those people we are trying to save, no matter how close we are (or were to them), can quickly become an idol in our life before we even realize it. They become a hindrance for the call God has placed on our lives. We need to make it clear to those people it is God whom we serve and not them. They are not our god but rather interfering with our focus on the One who is (Exodus 20:3- “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.)” While this may be painful to them at first, if done out of love, this is often the beginning of change in many people. When we make it clear we will no longer accept their harmful and toxic behavior, it can serve as a reality check to them that they must get serious about fixing their brokenness before they end up destroying more relationships around them. They suddenly realize how far they have strayed. Sometimes this is a quick reaction from people, and they realize just how serious they need to work on their toxic behavior while other times it takes people longer.

When it does take longer, these toxic people will often beg you to come back and help them. They will promise things that never really come to fruition like they promised before. While we are commanded to forgive and love them, we aren’t commanded to let someone continuously walk on us like a doormat, treat us however they feel, and destroy our walk with the Lord. This is when we must learn to set healthy boundaries out of love between ourselves and these people, so that we can better use our gifts and talents for the greatest effect in serving Him. As Gary Thomas writes in his book, When to Walk Away, (which I highly recommend) “we must look at ‘our’ outreach ministry as spiritual triage.” He explains what this means further through the illustration of a battlefield surgeon: “Just like a battlefield surgeon sometimes has to make the horrific call that a soldier is too far gone to save and therefore he has to leave him because there are so many others who still might be saved if he can only get to them in time, so we have to realize that spending time trying to save someone else who isn’t ready to be saved means losing others who are.” He goes on further to elaborate on Luke 10:2 and says, “Jesus realizes that at the present time (humanly speaking), we have limited resources, so we must use what we do have for the greatest effect.” Now this doesn’t mean we necessarily “give up” on trying to help someone else, but rather we offer our love to them through prayer and handing the situation over to God. We need to use our gifts and testimony to help others who are desperately waiting for it and not on those who deliberately resist it. We all have a unique and powerful impact to make in this world and that should be our primary focus.

We need to remember to pray continuously for these toxic, unchanging people, set boundaries to guard our heart, and use our spiritual gifts for the greatest kingdom effect. The boundary we set isn’t so much for them but for us. We can’t keep running back to what breaks us. Christians often feel very guilty about setting up boundaries, but when done out of love, we are keeping ourselves from becoming distracted and pulled away from our calling in life. Someone else may be waiting for you to help save them. And ultimately, what’s more important, making someone here on earth happy, or making God happy?  In setting healthy boundaries and praying for these people, sometimes we offer one of the greatest gifts of love. God can work miracles and change hard hearts. We have to trust Him. We can also pray for discernment for ourselves in how to move forward in these difficult situations. God can help guide us when we find ourselves asking questions like, “Do we continue our relationship with them, or do we walk away?” or “When or should we ever give them another chance?”

Personally, I’ve prayed this prayer of discernment multiple times and God continuously makes it very clear to me through Isaiah 60:22, which says, “When the time is right, I the Lord will make it happen.” I rest in this promise daily. I don’t know how, when, or if our relationship will ever be reconciled but I have to lay down this situation over and over again at the feet of Jesus. Every time I try to pick it back up and handle it on my own, I end up hurting myself again. I then have to ask for forgiveness, lay it back down at His feet, and remember He is in control of all things. And while this is not an easy task at first, it does become easier over time. I have peace in trusting God to work in this situation, knowing I did all I could do without allowing it to have control over my life. I also trust Him to show me when or if I ever open these doors again. Just as God is at work, I must go to work too, using my life in a way that best serves Him and His kingdom. There are people out there who desperately want and need the love of Jesus shown to them right now and they are running out of time. Don’t let someone else pull you away from that calling. Love these difficult people in your life, speak honestly with them, forgive them, and hand them over to Him. Sometimes, people can’t be changed by us directly, but maybe through someone else God places in their lives. When we let go of our own desire of fixing everything ourselves, and instead let God be in charge of the fixing, miracles beyond comprehension can take place.